I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
