Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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