Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
