hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
