I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
