We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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