omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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