when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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