I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
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