Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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