you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
