I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
