In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
