i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
