I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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