so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
