I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
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i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
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Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize