It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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