dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I AM VODKA MAN
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
