then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
