Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
