Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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