listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
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