If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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