I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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