Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
