i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
