Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
