Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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