Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
