Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Is it penis luge time yet?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
