Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Who did Billy Mays play for?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
