I molested 6 butterflies tonight
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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