Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize