Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
