I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
