Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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