i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im six kinds of drunk right now
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
