Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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