she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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