Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
