Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Are my feet made of real feet?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
