We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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