I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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