I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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