I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
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when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
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Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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