I saw his package. It spoke to me.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
