Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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