Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
