and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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