I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
