I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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