Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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