I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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