It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
